Do’s and Don’ts of Being Hungover at Work

DO drink lots of water
DO avoid eye contact with all people
DO wear a clean shirt/suit
DO take lots of bathroom breaks (although avoid falling asleep on the can – blame narcolepsy if you do). There is nothing wrong with sitting on the toilet for 10 minute intervals playing brickbreaker. It’s a really good way to kill some time.
DO walk really fast and purposefully wherever you go. Even if it is just to the copier. People assume you are busy and will be less likely to fuck with you. This works especially well in a large office. Also, carry around a notepad and some loose papers while you are stomping. You will look genuinely fucking busy.
DO leave work as soon as possible. This might be a good day to pull out your “rainy-day excuse.” Some ideas are 1) my aunt is in town for tonight, 2) my landlord called and there is a leak in my roof, 3) the bondage convention is tonight and I might be crowned Leatherman 2009

DO NOT engage in unnecessary conversation with anyone. Chances are they can smell the booze and hooker spit on you and will call you out on it. Plus, you already know you look like shit, and your brain is functioning at about 25%, so you will probably sound like an idiot. This is not the time to hold forth about anything to anyone unless it is regarding your hangover to a trustworthy coworker.
DO NOT look at porn, even if it seems like a good idea. Your motor skills resemble that of a 95 year old sloth dipped in molasses, so there is no guarantee on being able to alt-tab when the boss walks by
DO NOT discuss your hangover with your boss. Even if they sense it, and your boss seems cool, its still a horrible idea.

DO NOT trade complex financial derivitatives. Or even stocks for that matter - I generally regret all investments made while hung. This is a particularly bad time to do anything "on the margin".
DO NOT choose today to hit on that hot admin
DO NOT drink on your lunch hour. While the Hair of the Dog that Bit You may seem like a good idea, you will feel good for about half an hour and then crash. Since it’s a workday, chances are you didn’t sleep worth a damn the night before, and alcohol is not going to help you fight the Fade.

Keep fightin' the good fight all 3 of you devoted MI readers

Update - DO trade financial derivatives, particularly BAC call options on a day when the government is considering nationalizing the finance industry. And only do this if you are guaranteed to make money, which I just did.

View from a Hangover

So decided to take the slow train to Louisville to see the Cooger and some other buddies. Probably a smart move. But I feel like Ive learned a couple things so far this weekend. And thank the good lord I don't have to work tomorrow. Anyway, heres what Ive learned:

1) If you thought the crowd on a Tuesday night at Circus Circus in Vegas was bad, try a riverboat casino in southern Indiana. This place catered to the down and out senior crowd more than any other joint I've seen. I think they had charging stations for your Rascals and free oxygen tank refills. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, but whoa. Also, one thing I wish I had done was get some crab legs at the buffet. Tell me you can't get behind that at a riverboat casino. We were pretty much like Tom Selleck in Maverick.
2) There is a strip club in southern Indiana called "The Rustic Frog". What? You can't make that up. It may as well have been called "the Crusty Crab". I heard a story about how some guy got crabs in his eyebrows from some twisted lapdance. How fucked up is that? Guy tryin' to get his lappie on and all of a sudden there is shit crawling around his eyebrows. This place had to have been straight out of the strip club from the movie Porky's for a few reasons- it was on the water, it seemed a total dive, and Boss Hog would probably steal your money and kick your ass.
3) The bourbon trail is the fucking truth. Hearing the tour guide Billy Joe at Heaven Hill talk about the "bunghole", ie the plug that goes into a bourbon barrel, never got old. Call me immature, but the "bung hammer" does not sound like a legitimate tool. I would say the main update that I would have to my earlier bourbon guide is that Bookers is the jam, and I have a newfound respect for Maker's Mark.
4)Its also totally sweet to be in a red state again. NY is a bunch of pinko commie bastards, and it was refreshing to just bitch about the democrats with some random people.
5) Bottle service is the way to fly in Louisville. Pretty much strapped in for a Transcontinental Drunk (required MI reading - The View from Nowhere, by Jim Atkinson). Lets just say my seatbacks and tray tables were in the upright position.

Anyway, going to watch the Great American Race (Daytona 500), drink some brews, and fight The Fade.

Mysteries from the Grammys

I have been confused and I need answers from these two people.

To Morgan Freeman: Don't get me wrong, you are the man. I will always be a fan. I can get behind most of your movies, I really can. So my question: Why did you wear only one glove at the Grammys? Why was it velvet? Did you drop one in the parking lot? or on the red carpet? If I were you'd I retrace you steps out to your car. I recenly had the misfortune of spilling a glove out of my coat. I walked back to my car and there it was laying in the driveway. Go figure.

Or did you sever your hand in your recent car accident? Did you recently have surgery for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? I love it that you are friends with Kenny Chesney by the way. Also, I've been wanting to tell you for a while, that it cracks me up when you say "Fuck" in movies...that really tears me up.

To M.I.A.: I think you really tie the song, "Swagga Like Us" together. But your outfit of pregers polka dot patchwork really blew my mind. I put the DVR rewind button into action multiple times, but I think I only became more perplexed with each venture. I don't even know what to say here. You're hot. I like you.

Cooger's Buzz Saw: ...To Be Continued

Lick My Ass, Earl

So I thought everyone might get a kick out of the email dialogue I had with a Nigerian Scammer. These are actual emails in the actual format that they were sent and received:

EMAIL 1: From Earl to ME

United Nations Evaluation.

309 Hay's LaneLondon SE1 2HB,United Kingdom.

ATTENTION: Sir/Ma

The Company seek to greet you in the name of GOD. How have you been and how is the family? We are contacting you on behalf of the UNITED NATION EVALUATION, If you can remember you are one of the customers that are chosen in the middle of this year for a

MYSTERY SHOPPING.

The UNITED NATION have come again to offer you another opportunity as been a bonafied citizen of the united State,we notice that your earlier evaluation wasnot successful due to some suspicious notice of Scam and fraudulent acts on internet, this has made us not to complete our evaluation programs then.

Now we bring to you an opportunity as we want to en burst money to the (ORPHAN) Motherless Babies in the United State Of America and in United Kingdom.All what we need from you is just for you to receive a payment from the UNITED NATION in your favor and send out this payment to a given orphan near to your state or Community.

This could have been done directly to this Orphans but due to their underexposure and illegality this could not get to them directly.So we want you as a bonafied Citizen that your database has been check and confirmed by the United State Directory to do this.

YOUR TASK:You must have a PayPal Business Account. It is only through this medium we want to send all payment to you.Remove 10% of any fund given to you for Dispatch, as your bonus and and deduct the sending fee from the remaining balance (90%) meant for the orphanage.

OUR REQUIREMENTS:

DO YOU HAVE A PAYPAL BUSINESS ACCOUNT?(IF YES):

*PAYPAL EMAIL ADDRESS:*PAYPAL ACCOUNT TYPE:

*PAYPAL ACCOUNT LIMIT:

*YOUR FULL NAME AGAIN:

*ADDRESS:

*PHONE NUMBER:

*DO YOU HAVE A PAYPAL DEBIT CARD TO WITHDRAW MONEY INSTANTLY FROM THE PAYPAL *ACCOUNT?:

I hope you enjoy this Job Offer

Best Regards

Earl Teeter

EMAIL 2: Me to Earl

Hey Earl,

Thank you for greeting me in the name of GOD. Unfortunately, I'm a democrat so I rather enjoy being a godless heathen.

I'd love to help motherless babies, but unfortunately I've spent all of my charitable contributions for the year on pornography, especially http://www.cakefarts.com/. Also, believe it or not, I'm a "bonafied" citizen of not only one, but 50 states.

If I accept this job, do I pay taxes on it? I'm looking for a way to make rich me becuaze the new Precedent of the united State is going to take all uv my munee and give it to fucks like you.

How about you just mail me a check for $1,400,000? I will then use a portion of it to fly to Hay's Lane in the UK and kick you in the nuts.

Pip, Pip, Cheerio,

Coogaloo

EMAIL 3: From Earl to Me

Hello friend,

Thanks for getting back to me, i will like you to provide the inforamtion listed below before you can start receiving payment

*a scaned copy of the front and back of your mother's private part

*a scan copy of your fathers dick

*a complete history about how you felt when you first fuked your wife.

I hope to get reply from you soon

teeter.

EMAIL 4: From Me to Earl (or teeter.)

Hey Earl,

Before I continue with the submittal of my application, I just wanted to thank you for this fantastic opportunity. I'm really glad that I signed up for the UNITED STATE DIRECTORY. Praise be to you that not only was I selected as MYSTERY SHOPPING but that I get to help illegal ORPHANS, as well.

Anyway, I am disappointed that I have not received my $1,400,000 as of yet. If I do not receive it in the next 30 minutes, I will be forced to charge you interest at an annual rate of 17%. That means that tomorrow you will owe me $1,400,652.05.

I guess the reason that I haven't received the money is because I didn't finish my application properly. Here are the items you requested:

1) I couldn't find any pictures of my my mother's private part. I trust this will be acceptable instead. Here's a link to a picture I found of your sister: [Insert Bukake Pic of Earl's Sister]

2) It's a damn shame, but I couldn't find a picture of my father's dick either. I did find a website though that has a picture of your grandfather that I thought you might like to see: [insert link to homo sex website] I think he's the one on the left, but I could be wrong.

3) I unfortunately am divorced, but I can remember nostalgically how it felt when I 'fuked' her the first time. I actually wrote a blog about it that you can read here: [Insert Coogers First Wife Fukeing Experience]

Also, I wanted to add some additional material to get on your good side. I think I actually saw a video of you on YouTube. Is this you? Why do you like things like that? I won't judge you, but one day I hope to understand you.


So I guess you need my bank account number in order for you to deposit my $1,400652.05 (sorry your 30 minutes is up.) I bank with the Swiss Bank, the routing number is 123456789. The account number is 987654321. My real name is Mike Hunt.

Also, I am looking to sell my sofa? If you deposit my money by 15:00 tomorrow, I will ship it to you for free. Here's a picture of it. Mike Hunt's Free Sofa. I think it would fit your personality well? It'd be like one pussy getting swallowed by another. Get it? That's one of the ORPHANS favorite jokes and it really tears them up at the UNITED NATION EVALUATION.

I look forward to helping you. I really like my new job. I'm glad your company approached me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ciao,
Coogaloo




Again, this is a 100% real email; this shit is impossible to make up. This guy need to borrow my copy of Rosetta Stone. What a choad. Also, in the actual email dialoge, there were actual websites with actual images to match the brackets. Don't lie, you'd have clicked on them all.

Till next scam,
Coo

Bourbon for all occasions

So I don't know if its a big dick swingin thing or what, but my friends and I drink a lot of bourbon. Its a very versatile spirit - rocks, splash of water, shot, mint juleps, w/ coca-cola, whatever. Its delicious and pretty much my go-to unless I'm going for drinkability, in which case I drink Miller Lite (Bud Lite is full of shit). So for the non-initiated bourbon seeker, figured it would be helpful to put together a guide of the types of bourbon and the appropriate times to drink them. In order of deliciousness:

Blanton's Single Barrel - To be honest, I don't think many bars have this one. Its the lamborghini of bourbons, and I've only had it a few times, but its smooth as silk. Whenever I have it, I feel like a depressed sorority girl with Ben & Jerry's - just can't get enough.

Knob Creek - Pretty much the most badass thing one can say to a bartender is "Knob Rocks". You might as well drop trou' and flop it onto the bar. Not only is Knob delicious, but its really making a statement. It can cost you though - its not a round you want to pick up for that cheapass buddy who doesnt understand reciprocation.

Woodford Reserve - Woodford is pretty legit. As the official bourbon of the Kentucky Derby, they go through thousands of gallons of this stuff every year. After drinking nothing but juleps for a weekend and sitting out in the sun everybody becomes strung-out crack addicts. 5 juleps equates to about 1 pound of sugar and like 10 shots, so its a recipe for a shaky hand. The other quality thing about Woodford is that for some reason Delta has it on their flights. Not a bad deal for $5.

Maker's Mark - An excellent one. This is the bourbon you go to when you are buying a round.

Evan Williams - Evan is an everyday kind of bourbon. First of all, it is probably the cheapest hooch out there. At 15 bucks a handle, you can't beat it. Its also surprisingly good. Most bars don't have it though for some reason, so its more of something good to have around the house, you know, for emergency.

Jim Beam - Oddly, my girlfriend's favorite. Probably best served as a shot with a PBR in my opinion (known as a "Real Man's Special" in college).

Anyway, Bourbon is awesome. I challenge anyone to come up with something better from the state of Kentucky. And yea, I know I left out a few, but thats the good thing about Bourbon - you can't really go wrong.

Seacrest out.

I Need a Clyde

So first of all, if you havent seen the movie "Every Which Way But Loose" you may not be able to fully relate. Basically, Clint Eastwood made a movie in the 70's where he drives around, gets in fist-fights, and hangs out with an Orangutan named Clyde. There is a truly touching moment in the movie where Clint and Clyde go on a serious bender, hitting the local strip joints, adult video stores, and drink a ton of bud diesel. All hopped up on high octane beer, Eastwood decides that they need to get Clyde laid, so they break into the Albequerque zoo and let Clyde get his swerve on with the chick Orangutan's (should there be a "g" on orangutan? what a shitty word).

Anyway, this leads me to my point. How sweet would it be to have a Clyde to go out drinking with? To be honest, he exhibits most of the same characteristics of my drinking buddies already - love of booze, pretty randy when it comes to the ladies, obscene amounts of body hair, and even a willingness to hug. Hell, after enough beers we probably speak the orangutan language anyway. I guess my point is, upon further reflection, I pretty much hang out with a pack of orangutans anyway. And here is the ironic thing that confirms it - upon a google search on "what is a group of orangutans called", the answer came back "holigans."

Self reflection required.