Wolf T-Shirts Are The New Pink

If you could only have one t-shirt, what would it be? I'm sure a few favorites come to mind: the green "Irish I were drunk" tee? the "I got lei'd at the [insert frat name here] luau" tee? the shirt with the photo of Ronald Regan that states, "What he said." tee? the "Bucks Fear Me" tee?

I personally love all of those ideas, but nothing in this world could take the place of a heather grey tee with a dream catcher transposed over the picture of a snarling wolf busting out of a shadowy forest from the front of the shirt with the Stars and Stripes waving in the background. Man, that excites me. What is not to love? I challenge anyone to name a shirt that is more American. And I'm not talking about an Al Jefferson jersey or fan club memorabilia for the HGH pumped guy from the New American Gladiators. (That guy really needs a slump buster if you ask me so he can simmer the fuck down. Wolf, if you're reading this, I know a girl...)

At one point in my life, I'd see someone wearing one of these canis lupis t-shirts and think, "Man, this guy must suck at life." However, one day it hit me like Paul's ephiphany...a fericious wolf is the paragon of Straight Bitchin'.

What a great topic for conversation. I recently polled several above average looking girls at a bar on what they thought of these masterpieces of the loom. True story: 4 out of 5 girls said that if a blind date showed up at their door wearing a wolf shirt they would be more inclined to unleash their animal instincts with fewer than four drinks. I should disclose that 2 of 5 girls asked me what I knew about wolf crew-neck sweatshirts. I'd bet these are a hit with the girls, too, but I'm having a hard time getting comfortable with the idea of parting with my "three colored sun coming up over Atlantic Beach" crew-neck. Maybe I'll be ready after the summer season of wolf tees when I realize they will have been what turned my sex life around.

A little known fact is that when George Patton delivered his famous speech to the Third Army, he was wearing a wolf shirt underneath his uniform. How else would he grease the tank tracks with the guts of those yellow german bastards?

At the risk of digressing from the main topic at hand, I'll share the very real tale of a friend who once decided to compliment his wolf t-shirt with authenic wolf piss and watch porn at home. He was killed when Brooke Skye came lunging out of his computer screen and ravenged him to death. You can make a wall post on Facebook in his honor if you'd like. (The wolf piss kind of detracts a bit, but I figured I'd let you know in the spirit of full disclosure...too much of a good thing for the universe to stay in balance, I guess.)

So you might be asking yourself, "Where can I get my hands on one of these relics of rawness?" Visit my friends at Kritters In the Mailbox to get your hands some of the finest. Let them know you were inspired by Maladjusted. Maybe they'll send me some more.

So, in a world of hair gel, romantic comedies, NFL blackouts, and oxygen bars, remember to keep it real and sport a wolf tee.

-Coo