Do’s and Don’ts of Being Hungover at Work

DO drink lots of water
DO avoid eye contact with all people
DO wear a clean shirt/suit
DO take lots of bathroom breaks (although avoid falling asleep on the can – blame narcolepsy if you do). There is nothing wrong with sitting on the toilet for 10 minute intervals playing brickbreaker. It’s a really good way to kill some time.
DO walk really fast and purposefully wherever you go. Even if it is just to the copier. People assume you are busy and will be less likely to fuck with you. This works especially well in a large office. Also, carry around a notepad and some loose papers while you are stomping. You will look genuinely fucking busy.
DO leave work as soon as possible. This might be a good day to pull out your “rainy-day excuse.” Some ideas are 1) my aunt is in town for tonight, 2) my landlord called and there is a leak in my roof, 3) the bondage convention is tonight and I might be crowned Leatherman 2009

DO NOT engage in unnecessary conversation with anyone. Chances are they can smell the booze and hooker spit on you and will call you out on it. Plus, you already know you look like shit, and your brain is functioning at about 25%, so you will probably sound like an idiot. This is not the time to hold forth about anything to anyone unless it is regarding your hangover to a trustworthy coworker.
DO NOT look at porn, even if it seems like a good idea. Your motor skills resemble that of a 95 year old sloth dipped in molasses, so there is no guarantee on being able to alt-tab when the boss walks by
DO NOT discuss your hangover with your boss. Even if they sense it, and your boss seems cool, its still a horrible idea.

DO NOT trade complex financial derivitatives. Or even stocks for that matter - I generally regret all investments made while hung. This is a particularly bad time to do anything "on the margin".
DO NOT choose today to hit on that hot admin
DO NOT drink on your lunch hour. While the Hair of the Dog that Bit You may seem like a good idea, you will feel good for about half an hour and then crash. Since it’s a workday, chances are you didn’t sleep worth a damn the night before, and alcohol is not going to help you fight the Fade.

Keep fightin' the good fight all 3 of you devoted MI readers

Update - DO trade financial derivatives, particularly BAC call options on a day when the government is considering nationalizing the finance industry. And only do this if you are guaranteed to make money, which I just did.

View from a Hangover

So decided to take the slow train to Louisville to see the Cooger and some other buddies. Probably a smart move. But I feel like Ive learned a couple things so far this weekend. And thank the good lord I don't have to work tomorrow. Anyway, heres what Ive learned:

1) If you thought the crowd on a Tuesday night at Circus Circus in Vegas was bad, try a riverboat casino in southern Indiana. This place catered to the down and out senior crowd more than any other joint I've seen. I think they had charging stations for your Rascals and free oxygen tank refills. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, but whoa. Also, one thing I wish I had done was get some crab legs at the buffet. Tell me you can't get behind that at a riverboat casino. We were pretty much like Tom Selleck in Maverick.
2) There is a strip club in southern Indiana called "The Rustic Frog". What? You can't make that up. It may as well have been called "the Crusty Crab". I heard a story about how some guy got crabs in his eyebrows from some twisted lapdance. How fucked up is that? Guy tryin' to get his lappie on and all of a sudden there is shit crawling around his eyebrows. This place had to have been straight out of the strip club from the movie Porky's for a few reasons- it was on the water, it seemed a total dive, and Boss Hog would probably steal your money and kick your ass.
3) The bourbon trail is the fucking truth. Hearing the tour guide Billy Joe at Heaven Hill talk about the "bunghole", ie the plug that goes into a bourbon barrel, never got old. Call me immature, but the "bung hammer" does not sound like a legitimate tool. I would say the main update that I would have to my earlier bourbon guide is that Bookers is the jam, and I have a newfound respect for Maker's Mark.
4)Its also totally sweet to be in a red state again. NY is a bunch of pinko commie bastards, and it was refreshing to just bitch about the democrats with some random people.
5) Bottle service is the way to fly in Louisville. Pretty much strapped in for a Transcontinental Drunk (required MI reading - The View from Nowhere, by Jim Atkinson). Lets just say my seatbacks and tray tables were in the upright position.

Anyway, going to watch the Great American Race (Daytona 500), drink some brews, and fight The Fade.

Mysteries from the Grammys

I have been confused and I need answers from these two people.

To Morgan Freeman: Don't get me wrong, you are the man. I will always be a fan. I can get behind most of your movies, I really can. So my question: Why did you wear only one glove at the Grammys? Why was it velvet? Did you drop one in the parking lot? or on the red carpet? If I were you'd I retrace you steps out to your car. I recenly had the misfortune of spilling a glove out of my coat. I walked back to my car and there it was laying in the driveway. Go figure.

Or did you sever your hand in your recent car accident? Did you recently have surgery for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? I love it that you are friends with Kenny Chesney by the way. Also, I've been wanting to tell you for a while, that it cracks me up when you say "Fuck" in movies...that really tears me up.

To M.I.A.: I think you really tie the song, "Swagga Like Us" together. But your outfit of pregers polka dot patchwork really blew my mind. I put the DVR rewind button into action multiple times, but I think I only became more perplexed with each venture. I don't even know what to say here. You're hot. I like you.

Cooger's Buzz Saw: ...To Be Continued