Lick My Ass, Earl

So I thought everyone might get a kick out of the email dialogue I had with a Nigerian Scammer. These are actual emails in the actual format that they were sent and received:

EMAIL 1: From Earl to ME

United Nations Evaluation.

309 Hay's LaneLondon SE1 2HB,United Kingdom.

ATTENTION: Sir/Ma

The Company seek to greet you in the name of GOD. How have you been and how is the family? We are contacting you on behalf of the UNITED NATION EVALUATION, If you can remember you are one of the customers that are chosen in the middle of this year for a

MYSTERY SHOPPING.

The UNITED NATION have come again to offer you another opportunity as been a bonafied citizen of the united State,we notice that your earlier evaluation wasnot successful due to some suspicious notice of Scam and fraudulent acts on internet, this has made us not to complete our evaluation programs then.

Now we bring to you an opportunity as we want to en burst money to the (ORPHAN) Motherless Babies in the United State Of America and in United Kingdom.All what we need from you is just for you to receive a payment from the UNITED NATION in your favor and send out this payment to a given orphan near to your state or Community.

This could have been done directly to this Orphans but due to their underexposure and illegality this could not get to them directly.So we want you as a bonafied Citizen that your database has been check and confirmed by the United State Directory to do this.

YOUR TASK:You must have a PayPal Business Account. It is only through this medium we want to send all payment to you.Remove 10% of any fund given to you for Dispatch, as your bonus and and deduct the sending fee from the remaining balance (90%) meant for the orphanage.

OUR REQUIREMENTS:

DO YOU HAVE A PAYPAL BUSINESS ACCOUNT?(IF YES):

*PAYPAL EMAIL ADDRESS:*PAYPAL ACCOUNT TYPE:

*PAYPAL ACCOUNT LIMIT:

*YOUR FULL NAME AGAIN:

*ADDRESS:

*PHONE NUMBER:

*DO YOU HAVE A PAYPAL DEBIT CARD TO WITHDRAW MONEY INSTANTLY FROM THE PAYPAL *ACCOUNT?:

I hope you enjoy this Job Offer

Best Regards

Earl Teeter

EMAIL 2: Me to Earl

Hey Earl,

Thank you for greeting me in the name of GOD. Unfortunately, I'm a democrat so I rather enjoy being a godless heathen.

I'd love to help motherless babies, but unfortunately I've spent all of my charitable contributions for the year on pornography, especially http://www.cakefarts.com/. Also, believe it or not, I'm a "bonafied" citizen of not only one, but 50 states.

If I accept this job, do I pay taxes on it? I'm looking for a way to make rich me becuaze the new Precedent of the united State is going to take all uv my munee and give it to fucks like you.

How about you just mail me a check for $1,400,000? I will then use a portion of it to fly to Hay's Lane in the UK and kick you in the nuts.

Pip, Pip, Cheerio,

Coogaloo

EMAIL 3: From Earl to Me

Hello friend,

Thanks for getting back to me, i will like you to provide the inforamtion listed below before you can start receiving payment

*a scaned copy of the front and back of your mother's private part

*a scan copy of your fathers dick

*a complete history about how you felt when you first fuked your wife.

I hope to get reply from you soon

teeter.

EMAIL 4: From Me to Earl (or teeter.)

Hey Earl,

Before I continue with the submittal of my application, I just wanted to thank you for this fantastic opportunity. I'm really glad that I signed up for the UNITED STATE DIRECTORY. Praise be to you that not only was I selected as MYSTERY SHOPPING but that I get to help illegal ORPHANS, as well.

Anyway, I am disappointed that I have not received my $1,400,000 as of yet. If I do not receive it in the next 30 minutes, I will be forced to charge you interest at an annual rate of 17%. That means that tomorrow you will owe me $1,400,652.05.

I guess the reason that I haven't received the money is because I didn't finish my application properly. Here are the items you requested:

1) I couldn't find any pictures of my my mother's private part. I trust this will be acceptable instead. Here's a link to a picture I found of your sister: [Insert Bukake Pic of Earl's Sister]

2) It's a damn shame, but I couldn't find a picture of my father's dick either. I did find a website though that has a picture of your grandfather that I thought you might like to see: [insert link to homo sex website] I think he's the one on the left, but I could be wrong.

3) I unfortunately am divorced, but I can remember nostalgically how it felt when I 'fuked' her the first time. I actually wrote a blog about it that you can read here: [Insert Coogers First Wife Fukeing Experience]

Also, I wanted to add some additional material to get on your good side. I think I actually saw a video of you on YouTube. Is this you? Why do you like things like that? I won't judge you, but one day I hope to understand you.


So I guess you need my bank account number in order for you to deposit my $1,400652.05 (sorry your 30 minutes is up.) I bank with the Swiss Bank, the routing number is 123456789. The account number is 987654321. My real name is Mike Hunt.

Also, I am looking to sell my sofa? If you deposit my money by 15:00 tomorrow, I will ship it to you for free. Here's a picture of it. Mike Hunt's Free Sofa. I think it would fit your personality well? It'd be like one pussy getting swallowed by another. Get it? That's one of the ORPHANS favorite jokes and it really tears them up at the UNITED NATION EVALUATION.

I look forward to helping you. I really like my new job. I'm glad your company approached me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ciao,
Coogaloo




Again, this is a 100% real email; this shit is impossible to make up. This guy need to borrow my copy of Rosetta Stone. What a choad. Also, in the actual email dialoge, there were actual websites with actual images to match the brackets. Don't lie, you'd have clicked on them all.

Till next scam,
Coo

Bourbon for all occasions

So I don't know if its a big dick swingin thing or what, but my friends and I drink a lot of bourbon. Its a very versatile spirit - rocks, splash of water, shot, mint juleps, w/ coca-cola, whatever. Its delicious and pretty much my go-to unless I'm going for drinkability, in which case I drink Miller Lite (Bud Lite is full of shit). So for the non-initiated bourbon seeker, figured it would be helpful to put together a guide of the types of bourbon and the appropriate times to drink them. In order of deliciousness:

Blanton's Single Barrel - To be honest, I don't think many bars have this one. Its the lamborghini of bourbons, and I've only had it a few times, but its smooth as silk. Whenever I have it, I feel like a depressed sorority girl with Ben & Jerry's - just can't get enough.

Knob Creek - Pretty much the most badass thing one can say to a bartender is "Knob Rocks". You might as well drop trou' and flop it onto the bar. Not only is Knob delicious, but its really making a statement. It can cost you though - its not a round you want to pick up for that cheapass buddy who doesnt understand reciprocation.

Woodford Reserve - Woodford is pretty legit. As the official bourbon of the Kentucky Derby, they go through thousands of gallons of this stuff every year. After drinking nothing but juleps for a weekend and sitting out in the sun everybody becomes strung-out crack addicts. 5 juleps equates to about 1 pound of sugar and like 10 shots, so its a recipe for a shaky hand. The other quality thing about Woodford is that for some reason Delta has it on their flights. Not a bad deal for $5.

Maker's Mark - An excellent one. This is the bourbon you go to when you are buying a round.

Evan Williams - Evan is an everyday kind of bourbon. First of all, it is probably the cheapest hooch out there. At 15 bucks a handle, you can't beat it. Its also surprisingly good. Most bars don't have it though for some reason, so its more of something good to have around the house, you know, for emergency.

Jim Beam - Oddly, my girlfriend's favorite. Probably best served as a shot with a PBR in my opinion (known as a "Real Man's Special" in college).

Anyway, Bourbon is awesome. I challenge anyone to come up with something better from the state of Kentucky. And yea, I know I left out a few, but thats the good thing about Bourbon - you can't really go wrong.

Seacrest out.

I Need a Clyde

So first of all, if you havent seen the movie "Every Which Way But Loose" you may not be able to fully relate. Basically, Clint Eastwood made a movie in the 70's where he drives around, gets in fist-fights, and hangs out with an Orangutan named Clyde. There is a truly touching moment in the movie where Clint and Clyde go on a serious bender, hitting the local strip joints, adult video stores, and drink a ton of bud diesel. All hopped up on high octane beer, Eastwood decides that they need to get Clyde laid, so they break into the Albequerque zoo and let Clyde get his swerve on with the chick Orangutan's (should there be a "g" on orangutan? what a shitty word).

Anyway, this leads me to my point. How sweet would it be to have a Clyde to go out drinking with? To be honest, he exhibits most of the same characteristics of my drinking buddies already - love of booze, pretty randy when it comes to the ladies, obscene amounts of body hair, and even a willingness to hug. Hell, after enough beers we probably speak the orangutan language anyway. I guess my point is, upon further reflection, I pretty much hang out with a pack of orangutans anyway. And here is the ironic thing that confirms it - upon a google search on "what is a group of orangutans called", the answer came back "holigans."

Self reflection required.

What's Bitchin and Anti-Bitching in 2009

I thought there'd be no better way to ring in the new year or February than to enlighten everyone on what is straight Bitchin and what ain't for 2009.

BITCHIN' (in no particular order)

Banana Bags - For those not in the know, these little gems are the perfect thing to bring you back after that legendary bender. I was introduced to these babies by the nurse in the ER after my most recent alcohol poisioning. I think Costco should carry these in bulk. I'd buy.

Bacon Omlets - Think about it. It must suck to live in Israel.

Strap Perfect - Possibly the best thing I've "Seen on TV" since the Clapper, which is nuclear retarded, by the way. Why weren't these ads running on TV when I was growing up. I had to settle for the lingere selection in the J.C. Penny catalog.

Johnny Cash - The legend. I'll listen to him over Pete Townshend 4 out of 5 days and 6 out of 5 if I'm drinkin'. That man was the original G.

Laundry Service - I think resort to stealing dry spaghetti to eat before I'd give up my dollars allocated to this burden buster.

ANTI-BITCHIN' (in no particular order)

Retail Sticks - What are up with these? Fashionable? I'd rank them right up there with non-rasberry berets. I can barely stand the thought of these being SOLD in a store. Hell, the pioneers would have been the most fashionable game in town if they lived in the modern day. I think I'll got out behind my house and fell a tree. Then I'm going to cut it up and dump the whole motherload of sticks, logs, stumps, and roots in my living room and proclaim it the new pink. Hold your breath...

Inline Skates - Seriously.

Pittsburg - This city really grinds my gears. It makes Flint, Michigan look like Beverly Hills. Anyone else up for sacrificing this city to the volcano gods? I don't care how many bridges it has, it sucks. So do the Steelers, my new #1 anti-bitchin team.

France - No explanation needed. Nick Sarkozy...suck it. And how did you score Carla Bruni? Ruffiecolada no doubt.

'G' - Seen these commercials? It's Gatorade. Cat's out of the bag. I can't believe Lil' Wayne would stoop to this. I had high hopes, too. Anything would be better. Satellite phones, army surplus, a travel agency specializing in Pirate seeing trips off the coast of Somalia...This sucks and I will not be drinking it. Long live Vitamin Water, whores.


Live it. Feel free to post your own thoughts of what's bitchin and what ain't in the comments section. Don't contradict me though; my opinions are actually facts of the universe.

Wolf T-Shirts Are The New Pink

If you could only have one t-shirt, what would it be? I'm sure a few favorites come to mind: the green "Irish I were drunk" tee? the "I got lei'd at the [insert frat name here] luau" tee? the shirt with the photo of Ronald Regan that states, "What he said." tee? the "Bucks Fear Me" tee?

I personally love all of those ideas, but nothing in this world could take the place of a heather grey tee with a dream catcher transposed over the picture of a snarling wolf busting out of a shadowy forest from the front of the shirt with the Stars and Stripes waving in the background. Man, that excites me. What is not to love? I challenge anyone to name a shirt that is more American. And I'm not talking about an Al Jefferson jersey or fan club memorabilia for the HGH pumped guy from the New American Gladiators. (That guy really needs a slump buster if you ask me so he can simmer the fuck down. Wolf, if you're reading this, I know a girl...)

At one point in my life, I'd see someone wearing one of these canis lupis t-shirts and think, "Man, this guy must suck at life." However, one day it hit me like Paul's ephiphany...a fericious wolf is the paragon of Straight Bitchin'.

What a great topic for conversation. I recently polled several above average looking girls at a bar on what they thought of these masterpieces of the loom. True story: 4 out of 5 girls said that if a blind date showed up at their door wearing a wolf shirt they would be more inclined to unleash their animal instincts with fewer than four drinks. I should disclose that 2 of 5 girls asked me what I knew about wolf crew-neck sweatshirts. I'd bet these are a hit with the girls, too, but I'm having a hard time getting comfortable with the idea of parting with my "three colored sun coming up over Atlantic Beach" crew-neck. Maybe I'll be ready after the summer season of wolf tees when I realize they will have been what turned my sex life around.

A little known fact is that when George Patton delivered his famous speech to the Third Army, he was wearing a wolf shirt underneath his uniform. How else would he grease the tank tracks with the guts of those yellow german bastards?

At the risk of digressing from the main topic at hand, I'll share the very real tale of a friend who once decided to compliment his wolf t-shirt with authenic wolf piss and watch porn at home. He was killed when Brooke Skye came lunging out of his computer screen and ravenged him to death. You can make a wall post on Facebook in his honor if you'd like. (The wolf piss kind of detracts a bit, but I figured I'd let you know in the spirit of full disclosure...too much of a good thing for the universe to stay in balance, I guess.)

So you might be asking yourself, "Where can I get my hands on one of these relics of rawness?" Visit my friends at Kritters In the Mailbox to get your hands some of the finest. Let them know you were inspired by Maladjusted. Maybe they'll send me some more.

So, in a world of hair gel, romantic comedies, NFL blackouts, and oxygen bars, remember to keep it real and sport a wolf tee.

-Coo